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March 15, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Uther Dean. Stares at the sky. Fixes your soul.

Uther Dean. Stares at the sky. Fixes your soul.

Predictions for the week starting the 15th of March

Pisces and capricorn

Everyone knows that the mild machinations of the Thoros Beta constellation are our only sure key to the understanding of our job-related futures, presents and pasts. You must have noticed recently that Thoros Beta has been slowly edging away from your social nebulae. Normally this would be little more than an aberration, a lemony special twist to our astrological jiving. But, the insistent tone with which your social nebulae is pursuing the escaping Thoros Beta, can only mean one thing.

It means that you seem to be having a problem differentiating between your workmates and your friends. Just because you spend lots of time with the people that you work with does not make you mates. True, you do have one thing in common. But when that one thing is toiling in the same space to earn money to not die it’s hardly something worth bonding over. You need to stop inviting your workmates to your gigs. They don’t even know what “grind-core” is, let alone want to waste an evening listening to you and your bud Sammy appear to have seizures near instruments. You need to stop showing them photos of your possibly cancerous mole. You need to stop giving them updates on whatever inane family drama is currently boring its way through reality. Look, you’re a good person. I’m sure there are people out there who don’t hate you. Sadly, you don’t work with any of them.

everyone else

Oh dears, it looks like another space war has broken out in the Ropasation galaxy. What could possibly have caused this? Why has yet another flower of space hate blossomed in that specific sky portal? Oh, think of all those delightful wee aliens being mercilessly annihilated due to their odd and unerring ability to re-enact direct, accurate and specific metaphors for your life millions of light years away. Why must they suffer? Why must they die?

Because you’re not doing anything. You should know that the Ropastion galaxy represents your productivity. When you do nothing, when you sit around without a shirt on for days at a time wondering whether you prefer Tyra or Ellen with a large growing pile of Things To Do, you cause alien wars.

Remember that time you “took summer off”? That resulted in the total destruction of over 10 billion alien lives. So, please, get off your ass. Do something. For the aliens’ sake.


About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

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