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April 26, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Uther Dean. Star Reader. Future Knower.

Your Horoscopes for the week starting the 26th of april

If You Were Born in January
—Jupiter is playing dodgems with your memory constellations. This means that in the coming week you will forget who you are. Totally. I recommend starting a whole new life. Your old one wasn’t up to much.

If You Were Born in February
—Ice-T is a fellow Februarian. This means you will probably be the intended victim of a gangland shooting this week. So I’d recommend wearing an extra layer or two.

If You Were Born in March—You always need to be drunk to talk about yourself. But you’re not nearly as interesting as you think you are. You say that you know that but even your levels of delusion are shrouded in fogs of self-misdirection. Get over it.

If You Were Born in April—You seem really busy this week. Just calm down, alright? Just take a moment. Stop with the shaking and the crying. Stop with the big air gasps and settle down. This is the week for Zen. And when I say Zen, I mean needless violence.

If You Were Born in May
—You need to stop reading horoscopes. These are not the answer. These will not guide you to your assumed (but undeserved) future happiness. The only way you are ever going to be happy, to find that true joy in your life, is to step away from your little life portals and stop being such a whiny, new-age wanker.

If You Were Born in June
—Nothing is about you. You are irrelevant. You are a supporting character in everyone else’s life story. Your one badly drawn character trait, your SINGLE DIMENSION is that you think that you are the Libby but you are LITTLE MORE THAN AN ANT. That you feel important makes you all the more impotent.

If You Were Born in July—You are going to have a pregnancy scare this week. So, it behooves me to tell you never to have children. Because you will destroy their lives by way of Munchausens-by-proxy. Your rampant hypochondria—you know, like how you think you’re allergic to wheat or how whenever you read the symptoms of mental disorders you immediately diagnose yourself—imagine doing that to a child. So, no kiddies, please.

If You Were Born in August—This week you are going to take a big step. You are going to add a third bag to your arsenal. You think that carrying around two bags—one for school, one for other—is enough. It’s not. You will look ridiculous. You will no longer strain under two bags but die under three. The third will be for ‘Misc.’

If You Were Born in September—It is officially the week for you to stop wearing shorts. You have officially gone from being ‘Hey, look at that dude, they’re soooo laid back’ to ‘Who the frock is that bouchedag? What they be think getting all knee nude? Theys bets shoveover they shorty pantski before I get all stabs.’ So. Trouser time it seems.

If You Were Born in October—You were born in October. Good for you.

If You Were Born in November—Facebook groups do not make you a better person. Describing your dreams does not make you interesting. The advice you give does not improve lives. You are living a life of vicarious bleh. I recommend heroin.

If You Were Born in December—You need more chemicals. Seriously, look, I know you’re orange and all face painty with your make up. You cake on your face like some Jackson Pollock mirror monster. You grow actively in density whenever you get all good look. But its not enough. You are uglier than that. I am not talking metaphorically. While your soul is twisted and hideous, your actual physical appearance is worse. Those whorishly short mini-dresses will not distract from your sluggish scribble of a face. Plastic surgery is your only option. Or will be soon. (Just kidding. Beauty is relative and I have a friend who secretly likes you anyway. Have a great week!)


About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

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