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May 17, 2010 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Lol News

Anal Eel Insertion Kills Man. Yup.

A man in the Sichuan province in China has died after an eel was ‘placed’ inside his rectum by his ‘friends’. The eel subsequently died, but not before causing fatal internal bleeding.

The 59-year-old man was taken to a local hospital, complaining of unexplained abdominal, and anal, pain.

According to the China News Agency, “Doctors were mystified as to the cause, and obtained permission from his family to undertake an exploratory laparotomy.”

Cutting open his innards, they discovered a 50cm-long Asian swamp eel lodged in his rectum.

“He lingered for 10 days in intensive care but eventually succumbed to the injuries and sepsis.”

It is believed that the Eel was inserted after he had passed out during a drinking competition with ‘friends’.

What happened to just drawing a cock on their face?

Too far China, too far.

Smuggling Schlong is no laughing matter

A woman has been caught trying to smuggle tiger penis, as well other tiger parts, in hidden stockings around her waist and legs, into New Zealand.

Airport security were alerted when an MAF sniffer dog indicated something was awry with the woman.

Tiger is an endangered species and protected under the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species, but some cultures believe that it can help put more jump in your johnson.

Genuine tiger knob is considered rare and has been traditionally used in rituals and medicines.

If charged, she could be fined up to $100,000 or jailed for up to five years or both under the Biosecurity Act.

There has been no word from airport security as to whether everyone declaring ‘a tiger’ in their pants will be searched.

People actually line up for Metallica tickets

Computer-illiterate Metallica fans have missed out on tickets to the band’s second show in Auckland. Wellington fans, who had camped out in front of the Cuba Street Real Groovy, were left wanting as the majority of allocated tickets were bought online before the store had a chance to appease the water-soaked masses.

The campers had braved crappy weather, being on Cuba Street overnight, and openly admitting to still liking a band who jumped the shark years ago, for a chance to purchase tickets in person, instead of sitting in the comfort of their own homes and trying to buy them online like a sane person would.

This is the first time for many fans to see Metallica in New Zealand since they played the Big Day Out in ‘04 (roughly around the time Metallica released the daring ‘fuck you’ to their fans known as Saint Anger), and for fans who missed that, it’s the first time since 1998 (roughly around the last time anyone without a ‘mullet hawk’ considered the band relevant).

‘Press Release’ Highlights

Lower North Island Young Nats

Lauren Brazier

  1. Uni’s
  2. Fees for international students are higher than domestic fees are not capped.
  3. Government”s
  4. they”ve
  5. Stephen Joyce
  6. alterna-tives
  7. enrollments
  8. “What are beginning to see is a „low-fees low-supply” outcome in New Zealand, starting with Victo-ria. Able kiwi students can no longer enrol in one of New Zealand’s largest institutions” said Miss Brazier.
  9. says and said—verb tenses changing

Enough said.


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