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July 19, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Salient Rates: Octopuses

(or octopusi, or something else)

Salient is jumping on the octopus bandwagon. Everyone’s been talking about Paul, but what about the other octopuses? How do the feel about Paul getting all the attention? What about them? It isn’t fair. There are other famous octopuses. But how do they stack up?

The colossal squid at Te Papa: 0/8

It’s not even an octopus. It’s not even that big. It looks like it’s rotting. It’s a major let down. Straight out zero. If you haven’t been to Te Papa to see it, you’re not missing much. Trust me.

The girl with lots of legs: It would be distasteful to rate her out of 8

A human octopus, some say. She is believed to be a deity.

Henry the Octopus from The Wiggles: 3/8

Henry wears a boater hat. This is about all he has going for him. I mean, he’s wasting his time with The Wiggles. They make him wear a checked suit. I suggest he goes to Germany and shacks up with Paul. Then he’ll know the true meaning of fame.

Henry the Hexapus: 7/8

Kia ora to my friend who was googling “famous octopus”—his search yielded this chap, Henry the HEXapus. That’s right, he’s got SIX legs. So he’s not technically an octopus. I don’t care, because he’s named after Henry VIII, who had six wives. An aquarium spokesperson called Henry “a lovely little thing”.

Octopussy, as in the character from James Bond: 5/8

Pussy jokes aside, Octopussy’s dad studied octopuses, hence her nickname. She was a jewel smuggler. Anyway, she scores Bond in the end, so I guess that’s all that matters. But she’s not actually an octopus, so only 5 outta 8. And what’s this about an octopus cult?

The baby dressed as an octopus: 8/8

That’s right, a baby dressed as an octopus. A baby dressed as a pink octopus. I hope that one day when I grow up and have babies that I too can find them an octopus outfit. My child would be the coolest kid at kindy. The fact that the outfit would restrict my child’s movement would not matter. My child would be dressed as an octopus. That is awesomeness.

“Famous Octopus Salad Recipe”: 1/8

There are a couple of reasons for giving “famous octopus salad recipe” such a low rating. Firstly, I hate seafood. Can you imagine the texture of fresh octopus? Okay, that just sounds mega dirty. Also, octopuses are really smart. Smarter than most animals. Maybe even smarter than dogs. And would you make a dog into salad? I don’t think so.


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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