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July 12, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Salient Rates: Sex Scandals

Everyone loves a good sex scandal, especially the media. Did you see Tiger Woods on the front page of the Dom Post a week or so ago? Why on earth is Tiger’s divorce front page news in little old New Zealand? Sure, his caddy Steve Williams is a Kiwi, but really, why do we care about Tiger and his infidelities? The most obvious answer is this: everyone loves a good sex scandal. Salient included. This week, Salient rates the best—and worst—sex scandals throughout history.

Rasputin doing pretty much everyone, including the Tsarina, apparently 10/10

Ra ra Rasputin. He’s so cool even Boney M wrote a song about him. It’s cold in Russia, so they probably have a lot of sex to keep warm. Maybe Rasputin had bad circulation, or something? They had a hard time getting rid of old Rasputin. Some evidence suggests that Rasputin was still alive when they threw him into a river after they had shot him in the forehead. And then he tried to claw his way out of the ice? Weird.

Sex scandals we hear about in the Salient office, but can never verify 0/10

It’s all speculation. We need proof.

Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky 7/10

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman”—it’s the quote that Clinton will be remembered for. Monica has a blue dress with a cum stain. She gave him a blow job while he was on the phone, supposedly. Classy. Good work for an intern. Monica’s like really successful now too. Like, she’s-had-a-talk-show successful.

King Edward and Mrs Simpson 4/10

So here’s the dealio: Mrs Simpson was on to her second marriage. King Edward was a bachelor. They were scandalously hanging out together, and it became obvious that Edward wanted to marry her ASAP—divorce from current husband pending. Talk about constitutional crisis. Anyway, Edward had to abdicate, and George became King. Scandalous. For the 1930s.

King Henry VIII and Anne Boelyn 6/10

King Henry was (in)famous for his six wives. Anne Boleyn was wifey number two. To marry his beloved Anne, Henry had to first divorce his wife Katherine. The Pope was a little hesitant to allow such a thing to occur. So Henry sent the Roman Catholic church a big fuck you, and divorced her anyway. Anne and Henry got married, she got pregnant and behold, it wasn’t a boy. And then Henry chopped her head off.

Helen of Troy and Paris 7/10

Mythical sex scandals. So hot right now. Helen of Troy was happily married until Paris, a Trojan prince, came and abducted her. Or seduced her. We’re not quite sure. Anyway, Paris taking her away resulted in the start of the Trojan War. You know, the war where they built that huge horse as a distraction to get into the city and defeat the other team? Yeah, that one. They used it in a Mitre 10 ad once.

Rebecca Loos and David Beckham 2/10

Loos was allegedly sexing Beckham while she was his PA. She revealed all juicy details in the tabloid News of the World. And then came out as a bisexual. Now she’s living in Norway with her partner, son and their two dogs. How boring.


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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