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October 4, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

The rules of engagement

You know those days when everything in the known universe decides to rally its forces against you, and then everything in the unknown universe decides to join in?

Yeah. I was having one of those days.

How To Survive When the Universe Is Hatin’ On You:

It all started the night before. My neighbours were having a[nother] party. Not the cool kind with walls of meths-induced flames rising out of the barbecue, prompting deep and meaningful (yet hilarious) conversations about the meaning of life. No, it was the kind where the music was so loud that you feel your bed slowly rotating 180 degrees from the bass frequency; where you are lulled to sleep by the soft sounds of “WOO! LET’S GET WASTED!”

The next morning, my phone (which I shall hence-forth refer to as Hitler 2.0) decided that it was above the rules, a lone ranger, a law unto itself, Clint Eastwood, and was all “LOL. PWN’D!” at me when I discovered it hadn’t changed over automatically to daylight savings. As a consequence of which, I was late for work (even after skipping my morning ‘de-greasify hair’ ritual, otherwise known as showering).

I should mention that on days like these, you tend to give off a certain vibe. Some kind of invisible signal gets sent out to everyone around you, prompting the following Darwinian subconscious message in their brains: “Aha. I see that you are having a bad day. I myself am not having a bad day. I will therefore acknowledge my superiority over you by doing my best to make your day worse, thus ensuring the survival of the species by culling out weaklings”.

On days like these, your choices are limited in how you can respond when the universe decides that it no longer loves you long-time. In my experience, you have the following options:

  1. Start a cult worshipping Mother Nature. Bake it cookies, etc. Flattery always works.
  2. Move to Switzerland.
  3. Assume the foetal position, making sure to find a dark corner in which your profuse weeping will go unnoticed.
  4. If you’re agnostic, can’t afford a plane ticket and/or get backache easily, I’m not sure what to advise. You’re a bit fucked, really.

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