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February 28, 2011 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

Interview with a Serial Sexual Sophisticate

Our Serial Sexual Sophisticate, who will for obvious reasons remain nameless, is a living legend in the Wellington CBD. Her views on love, life and sex seem not only more tolerant and mature than most, but she seems to be one of the few who have taken their sexual and romantic life by the horns, screaming “YOU ARE MY BITCH!” Salient sat down with her for a chat.

So are you in a relationship right now?

Not what I would define as a relationship, no.

What would you define as a relationship?

Something with boundaries and defined. Not necessarily monogamous but with agreed rules of engagement, we’ll meet each other this often and a “this is what we are to each other.” That kind of thing.

And in a relationship you’ll obviously have some kind of romantic…?

Yeah, like watching TV and eating chocolate. If I was in trouble I would phone someone up who I was in a relationship with; whereas with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, I would not call them, even about normal everyday life stuff.

If you’re not in a relationship, you’re seeing somebody?


How do you define these kind of non-relationships?

Seeing somebody is meeting with them on more than one occasion. So it’s more than a basic… one night stand. You meet out of convenience to both of you—rather than making time to meet up. If I was in a relationship with someone I would make time to see them, whereas in a non-relationship I say, I’m free these days, are you free any of those days?

So if someone knocked on your door at 3am, you would be well within your rights to tell them to go away?

I am perfectly within my rights to say nah.

Probably wouldn’t be offended by that?

No, not at all.

How many people are you seeing?

Six. There are two older married guys, late thirties to early fifties, and one unmarried. They’re the type of guys I’d see casually on a semi-regular basis. There are two guys I see who are younger—younger being late thirties. I don’t go for younger than me. Pretty much people who—either they’re married and looking for something out of the relationship, they’re not going to cheat the other person and say they’re going to leave their wives, they want to be honest.

Then there are the younger guys who out of circumstance or choice are single and want a bit of fun. One lady.

Let’s say one of the people you are seeing is, say, a merchant banker, and in your day something hilarious happens specifically relating to merchant banking. Would you call them and say, “oh, this happened today…”?

In a non-relationship, no, I wouldn’t. But the next time I saw them I might say, “oh, this happened”, and if it’s something they know then you’d talk to them about it.

Would you not call them because you didn’t want to?

It just wouldn’t occur to me.

Have you moved to a relationship with someone you were casually seeing?


What happened?

I realised I’m not a relationship person [laughs]. I don’t have the time or the inclination to spend on a relationship. There are going to be people out there saying that you aren’t naturally like that, that because of something in your past you act like this. There is an aspect of it in my past… However, it’s more the fact that I’m too independent, and currently don’t want to compromise on things in my life. During that two months that I was in a relationship it was very tiring, and I didn’t have the time to invest in the relationship.

If you met the right person would you have qualms about saying, “right, now I’m in a monogamous relationship”?

Yeah, I’m in a relationship and depending on the relationship whether it’s monogamous or not.

How do you meet men?

Mostly on internet sites that are designed for hookups, not relationships. So I won’t go anywhere near something like NZ Dating, because people on there are looking for a relationship, but I will go on other sites such as AdultFriendfinder, as the people on there are much more open and honest. For example, on NZ Dating, there are people who won’t tell you that they’re married, whereas on Friendfinder, there are people who will straight up tell you that they’re married. My condition is that if I don’t get a screaming wife turn up on my doorstep, I don’t mind. I’m not the one cheating, it’s up to them. I do have a rule that if they have kids under 18 I won’t go there, purely because I feel more guilty for the kids rather than the wife. So if they have young kids then I won’t get involved, but if they’re grown up then it’s fine. I always tell them straight up before that I won’t sleep with them on the first meeting, just so there’s no expectations involved. Then if we get along we’ll meet again at a different location. Certainly it’s a good couple of weeks of emailing and texting before I’ll meet up with them.

Is this common?

I think it is. It does seem to be. But just based on the sheer number of emails I get saying, “hey babe, I’m in town, wanna meet up?”, they obviously get some luck from it, so there must be girls out there who do. Generally no-one is surprised about the emails or the first meeting, so it’s pretty common.

Has your lifestyle affected how you feel about other relationships and love in general?

It makes me sad that some people can’t be honest with each other in their relationships. I’m not surprised at the amount of men who cheat, I already knew about that. I did learn that there’s a huge grey area in relationships. It’s not just single and monogamous—there are polygamists, polyamorous even—there’s a lot more out there than you realise. It can work on a long term basis, very well.

There are probably a bunch of 18-year-old guys who are reading this, thinking, yeah, I’m going to get on that train! have any thoughts for them?

It tends not to be younger people and younger people tend not to be very good at it as they don’t know their own boundaries and what they want from life yet—I’m generalising now. I just realised a lot of people know their own lives, but it tends to be late 20s up. They know what they want from it, and have the confidence to say what their boundaries are and what they want from it.

So, more of a lifestyle choice than a sexual choice?

“Hey babe, wanna meet up” tends to be younger people. The messages, “I’m interested in having a casual relationship where we meet on several occasions” tend to be from older people. The younger people tend to be one night stands, and they tend to think it’s better than just going to a bar. They have a ‘never see you again’ point of view. Personally I wouldn’t go anywhere near them. They’re more likely to be unsafe in their practices. I do recognise that the more you get to know someone the better things can be—rather than meet 20 people once, I’d rather meet five people 10 times!

You have to be really upfront and honest about everything, and not scared of asking questions or of talking about things you wouldn’t normally talk about with other people, whether you’re into safe sex or not, into drugs or not—a lot of people have been burned from it. I’m very open and honest with my lifestyle—that’s who I am, and the only place I’m not honest about it is at work where people just don’t need to know. Work is an absolute boundary for me. I’m friends mostly with people with the same lifestyle choice now—they’re easier and just less shockable. Sometimes I mention more than one guy’s name in conversation, and it freaks people out. It’s easier to form friendships with people who don’t get freaked out by it.


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Comments (6)

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  1. My Name says:

    I don’t get it. An interview with a nobody who is involved in many sexual relationships? Why is this even a feature?

  2. ev says:

    because sex moves magazines and this was a lamo move to put sex in a headline

  3. Electrum Stardust says:

    [Suggestion:] So, somewhat seriously speaking, since sex still supposedly sells subscriptions significantly, surely Salient should start s… ?

  4. Zoe Reid says:

    Mostly cause I like interviewing hot women, and we wanted a take on a different kinda love… <3

  5. smackdown says:

    sounds like she has pop-pop in the attic all day long

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