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September 5, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Ask Constance

This week I am handing my column over to my dear friend Mistress E Bathory, who has professional expertise relevant to one of the questions I was sent by you babes. If you want your question answered, don’t forget to send some more through before the year’s end

Hi there Constance
My boyfriend is into masochism but I really hate the thought of hurting him, even if it is for sexual pleasure. I just don’t want to be involved in anything to do with S&M (no offence to those who enjoy it). Could we perhaps substitute it for something else?
Shelly Belly

Hi Shelly
This year, I entered the pro-domme world. This means my job is fulfilling the sexual fantasies of my clients. More often than not this involves providing physical pain, the client relinquishing control to me, and/or taking part in sexual acts that some people may deem ‘degrading’.

Coming to this work after several years of being really active in sex-positive feminism and fighting sexual violence, I originally had a lot of interest in the role-play and gender-play side of BDSM, but once I had a sub (submissive) beaming at me every time I slapped him, pinched him, spanked him, pulled his hair etc., I realised how true it is that submissives are not experiencing conventional pain or humiliation. First and foremost, they’re experiencing sexual pleasure. In my workplace we’ve got a concept of ‘good’ pain vs ‘bad’ pain. Getting thrown over someone’s knee and spanked, for example, is a sting that I personally find particularly enjoyable, but nipple torture (for me) would be ‘bad’ pain. For someone else this could be completely different, hence the importance of having pretty clear communication.

Switching my mindset from one of ‘dommes inflict pain or control’ to ‘dommes get subs off by providing them with sexual pleasure’ was one of the first things I did in my professional career, and was key in me enjoying my work.

I cannot emphasise enough that you should never allow yourself to be pressured into sexual activities that you do not want to do. It’s completely healthy to discuss and think about trying new things, and it’s great to consider the possibility you may be opposed to BDSM because of the stigma attached to it rather than the acts itself. Ultimately, however, participating in sexual acts that you don’t really want to be doing is not advisable.

My advice to anybody in a situation like this is to talk with your partner as candidly and honestly as possible. Talking about sex is a really important part of a relationship, so create a time where you two can just spend the evening talking this out. Do some reading beforehand (I would recommend checking out and ask him questions about what he’s particularly interested in exploring as a couple. Talk to him about safe words and your limits and tell him (honestly but kindly) what you are uncomfortable with. Also something I’ve found happy in my personal life is a yes/no/maybe list where you both discuss things you’d love to do, things you definitely don’t want to do, and things you may be curious about.

Also remember there’s no such thing as an S & M ‘lifestyle’ that automatically absorbs all who experiment with power-play. I’d wager it’s safe to say that every day you leave the house you run into someone you would never guess is a raging deviant. What happens between you and your boyfriend can stay between just the two of you, and nobody has the right to judge you for sexual activity between two consenting adults. *

Yours lovingly,
Mistress E Bathory


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  1. Constance Cravings says:

    Thanks so much for your amazing guest post Miss x

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