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September 7, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone | [ssba]

The Bone Zone

My partner is significantly older than me. How do I introduce them to my friends/family without it being crazy-weird?

Thanks to bullshit labels like ‘Cradle Snatcher’, ‘Gold Digger’ and ‘Cougar’, we’re taught to be suspicious of loving relationships between consenting adults who happen to be born more than five or so years apart. Although it’s really shit that that’s the case, it’s important for you to remember that when you first introduce your partner to your loved ones. That is, if they aren’t over the moon about your new union, it’s more likely to be borne of misguided concern than malice. To that end, it may help to talk to your friends and family about your new situation and allay their concerns before you introduce them, ensuring that they’ve got some time to come to terms with it first. When you do introduce them, try to do so in an environment where you all have something in common – perhaps at a gig, movie, or a restaurant or bar you all like – so that the differences between your friends and your partner aren’t the focus.

You got this,
Cupie xx

How do you correctly give a hand job?

The humble hand job threw me for many years. How does one ever hope to master a sex move that most men have years of practice doing, and know exactly how they like it done? I was so confused when it came to choking the chicken that I’d often abandon ship after a few token tugs and move straight into a blow job. After all, unless you’re doing it with Marilyn Manson, that’s something they can’t do for themselves. With a bit of practice, however, you can improve your handy-work in no time at all. Expanding your foreplay repertoire in this way allows you to spend even more time getting your partner worked up before you seal the deal. And remember, just because he can – and does – do it for himself, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you to take a load off now and then.
Just like a healthy heart, a great hand job is all about a steady rhythm. To this end, you’ll want to start off a little slower and build up speed over time in order to preserve the muscles in your wrist to last the duration of the hand job, but making sure the rhythm remains steady each time you pick up the pace a little. Make sure the groundwork is done before you begin by getting him hard with some pashing, slowly working your hand towards the D with some gentle tickling or stroking thrown in for good measure.
Once you’re ready to begin squirting the turtle, wrap your hand around the shaft just below the head, and start to work your hand up and down. The key here is your thumb and forefinger, which you’ll want to use to apply more pressure than the rest of your hand. If he’s uncircumcised, use this ring of pressure to keep a firm grip on the foreskin, which must remain between your hand and the peen the whole time. In no circumstances at all should you let your hand touch a bare peen, especially at the head – this is really uncomfortable for uncircumcised dudes and is the fastest way to get yourself fired from your hand job. Even if there’s no foreskin, this ring of pressure is still going to be important – test out varying degrees of pressure as you rub it up and down over the glans (the bumpy bit between the shaft and the head). Twisting your hand around the shaft as you move up and down, while still applying pressure between your thumb and forefinger, is a great way to increase excitement without having to increase speed.
Just like prime real estate, a great hand job is all about location, location, location. Make sure you’re in a comfortable position that allows you free and easy access with your writing hand. You may find that straddling your partner, so that the peen juts out just between your legs is easiest. This is, after all, the angle they wank from, so is likely to give your hand job the most authentic feel.
Finally, pay attention to the details. Just like a winning dish on Masterchef, a great hand job is all about the seasoning. Think about extras you can add that he might normally overlook while jerking off, which will set your wristie apart from a garden-variety wank. When you seem to be nearing the finish line, head for the erogenous zones with your other hand – rub his nipples, cup/stroke his balls, or apply pressure to the base of the penis, and your spunk will be spunkin’ in seconds flat.

Here’s to a job well done,
Cupie xx

Tip of the Week:
Just before the break, I sullied the pages of Salient’s Food issue by writing at length about a different kind of eating out. Despite the fact that it can be a great way to get each other off, a lot of people feel uncomfortable or grossed out when it comes to giving and receiving head. If you’re feeling a bit down about going down, there are a few ways to ease yourself into it. First and foremost, it’s really important to try as best you can to get rid of the notion that there’s something repulsive about your genitalia. So long as you’re reasonably clean and healthy, there shouldn’t be anything untoward about how you taste and smell. If you’re still self-conscious, why not try it in the shower? If your shower’s particularly small or awkwardly shaped, so no amount of aqua gymnastics will allow you to get the angles right, other options include smothering a flavoured lube all over the situation, or using novelty-flavour condoms/dental dams. Finally, while your pubic ’do should be as much a personal choice as how you style the hair on your head, keeping your hidden garden well groomed (trimming or waxing, never shaving) will allow for ease of access, reduces the incidence of wayward Pube-in-Mouth, and can feel better, too, as you don’t have an abrasive pube barrier all up in there.


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