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March 23, 2015 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Inbred English Beneficiary to Visit Wellington

It’s official: our favourite royal badass, Prince Harry, is visiting New Zealand for the first time this year.

The thirty-year-old ginger, and fourth in line to the British throne, is set arrive to Wellington in May following a four-week secondment with the Australian Defence Force. This marks an end to Harry’s military career, after serving for ten years in the British Army.

Monarchy New Zealand is yet to release any dates or places to be visited, so Salient thought we would give our old mate Haz some reasons to visit the liberal and forward-thinking Victoria University of Wellington:

1. Kelburn Campus offers state-of-the-art learning facilities, albeit they are perpetually under construction. The campus also sits atop a really large hill that is really hard to walk up, though it provides magnificent views of the city.

2. There are plenty of eligible bachelorettes who would prefer the life of a Duchess—having kids and living off the benefit—to a life of student loan repayment.

3. The Hunter Lounge, the University’s premier café and bar/music venue, is always hosting New Zealand’s hottest acts. VUWSA could probably (budget permitting) get the likes of Max Key, son of Prime Minister John Key and one half of the acclaimed electronic dup Troskey, to play a gig upon your arrival. Apparently he does a wicked trap remix of Lorde’s “Royals”.

4. Law School is next to the where New Zealand does law-making stuff, so it’s like really good for law and stuff.

5. While there are no hotel suites on campus, there are still plenty of suitable places for a game of naked billiards. (The privacy of the new Staff and Postgraduate section of the library would be ideal.)

6. The Te Aro campus on Vivian Street is opposite the Il Bordello strip club.

7. Our University is “ruled by white males”. As a member of this demographic, Harry should have no issues landing a job here if a career of taxpayer-funded trips around the world does not work out.

When asked about Prince Harry’s upcoming visit, Wilson, a student at Victoria, replied, “is he that British dude?”


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