Going Up

• Absolutely boss US gymnast Simone Biles.
• Posting memes on VUWSA’s AGM twitter hashtag.
• The number of green pools at the Rio Olympics (two).
• The price of avocados at the Wednesday veggie market.
• Stranger Things.

Going Down

• Hype for the new Frank Ocean album.
• The number of mayoral candidates for Wellington, bye Celia.
• The NZ Men’s Sevens team.
• The eternal sadness you feel when you lose a 100+ day snap streak.
• Your chances of getting a gold medal when competing against Michael Phelps.

Fake Interview: Andrew Little

What is the reasoning behind offering to write off student debt if students take a public sector job in the regions?

Because you shits probably aren’t going to pay off your loans anyway so I might as well do it for you.

How do you plan on wiping off the debt?

I’m going to go to the IRD, find the spreadsheet that has all the debt written on it, and just do CTRL + A, Delete.

Is the policy simply a bribe to get the student vote?

No… *wink* …of course not… *wink wink*. I definitely don’t need that entire demographic’s vote to have a chance of winning the election… *wink wink wink*.

RNZ or Salient FM?

Those Salient FM kids could give Guyon and Susie a run for their money imo.

Kanye or Kendrick?

Death Grips.

Humdingers

There is a new diet fad sweeping across Blenheim with resealed Weight Watchers muesli bar wrappers stuffed with cardboard finding their way into letterboxes across the city. The motives behind the prank are baffling residents, but they’re happy because at least cardboard is low in points.

Adele revealed that her credit card declined during a recent shopping trip in the US. Despite being worth $155 million (NZD), Adele walked out of the high-street clothing store H&M empty handed. Ohemgee she is just like us.