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February 26, 2017 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

Ten people you meet in fresher year — a cynic’s guide

Your first year at university can be daunting when you don’t know what to expect. The extensive number of people enrolled makes it near impossible for cliques to form, but it won’t stop you from encountering a few select personalities. To help you navigate your first couple of weeks, I have compiled a list of the top ten people you can expect to meet during your freshman year — compliments of your favourite cynic.


  1. The First-Week Friend

O-Week can be intimidating so it’s perfectly natural to want to stick with the first person to come up and say hello. But don’t be fooled; that chirpy demeanor will rapidly start to grate when you realise that their repertoire of dinner conversation spans all the way from their ginger tabby-cat, JoJo, to that one time they almost got hit by a car. You will wish they had been hit.


  1. That Kid Who Peaked in High School

You’ll recognise this person from the year ten football trophies they use as paperweights for all of their unopened text books. If that isn’t enough of a give away, don’t worry! They will, without fail, inform you of their prefect role, their NCEA Level One endorsement, and the service award they were nominated for by a teacher in year twelve. This will occur weekly.


  1. The Broody Poet

This individual oozes melancholy and creative genius. You can find them in their bedroom writing poetry and depressing songs, and on the rare occasion that they venture out for a meal they will be engage in deep philosophical discussions about life and, more importantly, death. They will have a Tumblr account and a penchant for alternative bands that “you haven’t heard of.”


  1. The Wannabe Peter Jackson

A true Victoria archetype, you can find them milling around the Student Union building in packs, discussing the chiaroscuro lighting in Citizen Kane. There is one in every hall of residence, and if you are an English major then today is your lucky day! At some point, The Wannabe Peter Jackson will offer to transform your working novel into an award-winning blockbuster. They might even turn your lacklustre narratology essay into a documentary!


  1. Your Friendly Neighbourhood Mum

In ten years time, she’ll probably change her name to Karen and adopt a classic jaw-length bob. Your Friendly Neighbourhood Mum is the girl on your floor with Band-Aids at the ready; she also knows how to get the red wine out of your carpet before the RA sees. While her urge to coddle others may grow annoying, you will find her invaluable on a hungover Sunday.


  1. The Fuckboy

While I’m sure you have encountered more than one of these phenomenons in the past, university is a great opportunity to get reacquainted. Hostels are a breeding ground for testosterone, where Fuckboys will meet and inspire each other’s Fuckboy-ishness. The 2:00am “u up?” text is a rite of passage for most, so don’t feel discouraged if you fall for it once.


  1. The Fuckgirl

The Fuckboy’s less televised friend, The Fuckgirl, is surprisingly just as common. She frequents town for the hook-ups alone and has approximately seventeen Tinder matches on the go at any given time. She probably doesn’t want anything serious, and she won’t go “all the way” outside of a relationship. Boys, she’s really not asking for much, so just give her the attention she craves. Or don’t. Maybe try to find someone who doesn’t want to toy with you out of boredom.


  1. The Reinvention

The opportunity for a fresh start at university is a tempting one, and there are some people that get a little too sucked in. These people generally had a rough time in high school and try to compensate by acting excessively nice or, on the flip-side, by trying to make themselves look like a bad-ass emotionless player. At some point their true self will resurface and, honestly, it’s 50/50 as to which persona is the better one.


  1. The Floor Ghost

Do you remember the bad tempered Grey Lady (sorry, *Helena*) from Ravenclaw Tower? Yeah, well she is better socialised than this individual. This is the person on your floor that you know the name of from their door label, but whose face you have never actually seen. Are they in there studying? Brewing meth? Or maybe they are just at their boyfriend’s flat. It is impossible to know.


  1. The Living Guilt Trip

You are sure your parents pay this person to guilt you into studying. The Living Guilt Trip is in the library before you are even out of bed. When you are binging on a Netflix show, they are working out at the gym. When you are playing Cards Against Humanity, they are flicking through their colour coded flashcards. This person will make you feel severely inadequate, but can be a great tutor if you share a paper.


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