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May 21, 2018 | by  | in *News* | [ssba]

Clarke Gayford Exposed

For months the rumour mill has been working overtime, churning out allegations regarding Fish Of The Day, Absolute Lad, and Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern’s Baby-Daddy-To-Be, Clarke Gayford. The Police National Headquarters, in an unusual move, released a statement confirming in no uncertain terms that there is no truth to any of the allegations.
Salient’s little-sister organisation, VICE, “won’t publish the substance of what those rumours actually were,” apparently because of New Zealand’s “hearty defamation laws”. Once more unto the breach, Salient goes where no decent journalism dares.
Allegedly, Clarke Gayford:
– Approached a group of women in a Ponsonby bar in 2003 and told them he was a King Pin for an elite purebred labrador smuggling operation running out of Waiheke Island.
– Votes ACT, and will continue to do so until Colin Craig returns to politics.
– Has nits.
– Ran over and killed the Ardern-Gayford cat, Paddles, in a bout of rage borne out of the fact his cat was quickly garnering more Twitter followers than he.
– Calls butterfly doors on a car “ladybird doors” because he thinks it’s more biologically accurate.
– Buys out the nearest KFC of coleslaw before any dinner party where he’s required to bring a plate. On arrival at any given dinner party, Gayford allegedly launches into a word-perfect thirty-minute spiel about how the coleslaw is “an old family recipe” and what a “labour of love” it is to prepare.
– Has two shrines to Jacinda — one in the back of his closet, one under the passenger seat of his boat — which boast a collection of 16 Jacinda puppets that Gayford talks to when Ardern is away on Government business.
– Is the Zodiac Killer.
– Is the sole person voting for Zac Franich on Dancing with the Stars New Zealand. Gayford has allegedly plundered his unborn child’s tertiary education trust and spent $30,000 over three weeks to keep Zac “Quasimodo” Franich in the competition.
– Has an extensive browser history consisting of numerous searches about the halal way to kill game fish, and research into the practicality of fishing rods for arms.
– Is in talks with Victoria University of Wellington’s Vice Chancellor, Grant Guilford, to pitch “Clarke Gayford Academy for Fishing and Other Academic Pursuits” as a potential new name for VUW.
– Is the only New Zealand member of an exclusive Berlin all-male strip tease act entitled “All Man No Might”. His alleged speciality is failing to open jars on stage to make women feel sorry for him.
– Once ate an entire jar of Best Foods mayo just to see if he could. SPICY.
– Is the illegitimate spawn of Vladimir Putin, a known lizard-person. Clarke is accused of being complicit in a reptilian plot for world domination, and the opening of Victoria University’s Te Toki a Rata was allegedly an extremely elaborate set up to exchange information with Russian sleeper agent, Spike the tuatara.
– Owns a signed copy of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, and displays it in a glass bookcase in his and Ardern’s bedroom.
– Has Helen Clark merged into the back of his head like Voldemort.
– Exclusively drinks sugar-free Redbull. No water.
– Witnessed a contract wherein Ardern promised to conceive and carry Winston Peters’ child in exchange for NZF’s support in the 2017 General Election. Gayford can allegedly only get hard if Peters is watching from the shadows.
– Is collaborating with Max Key on an 8-minute deep house single called “Haus Husband”. The track allegedly references an affinity with the struggles of Jay-Z, and features exactly 29 fish-related puns.
If you are able to corroborate any of these rumours — or if you are able to spread any more — email
Kii Small, Jazz Kane, Nav Nair, Vita Molyneux, Tori Bright, Johnny O’Hagan Brebner, Stephen Yee-Hughes, Liam Powell, Sasha Beattie.

*Disclaimer: This is shit news.*


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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