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May 21, 2018 | by  | in *News* | [ssba]

It’s Not You, It’s a Cursed Printer

Victoria University printers have been cursed after the medieval monks hired in April to improve printing services were fired. As entitled, educated white men from the Middle Ages, the monks were confident enough to unionize, demanding more than minimum wage pay.

VUW Human Resources manager Pri Valedge explained, “we pay overeducated men a lot at this University, but we don’t want minions like living printers demanding a living wage. They unionised, so we reacted strongly, but appropriately. The printers may never work, but at least they don’t demand anything more than electricity and collective frustration”.

Terrowin Janshai, a representative for the monks, said “as producers of quality assignments, we felt that we weren’t appreciated enough. Students were demanding illuminated manuscripts, and the university wasn’t willing to compensate us for that, so we turned to some esoteric manuscripts of our own and… well, cursed the library printers”.

The curse manifests in various ways. Sometimes, lizards come out of the printer ( Janshai said that the original curse involved snakes, but the monks were mindful of New Zealand’s snake-free status); sometimes everything prints backwards; and sometimes the printers sing opera before printing single-sided when you had definitely specified you required double-sided.

“I’ve found the behaviour of the printers bizarre,” said one VUW student Alana Gane. “It makes sense that they’re cursed. It is nice to be able to send printing through wifi rather than having to deal with a human being, though.”

The librarians are approaching the curse with complete confidence. “This isn’t the first time we’ve been cursed,” scoffed Arr Kive, a Victoria librarian. “Bring it on, lizards.”

*Disclaimer: This is shit news.*

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