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AuthorLiam Powell

Author Archive: Liam Powell

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July 8, 2019

Students will continue to be allowed to drink in Kelburn Park, after Wellington City Council decided against imposing a liquor ban on the area. The Council’s City Strategy Committee met on June 13 and unanimously voted to maintain the status quo in Kelburn Park, while opting to introduce a parallel liquor ban in areas of […]

June 4, 2019

Jesus Christ Himself to Lead Political Party in Upcoming Election; Still Unlikely to Break 5% Threshold   A spokesangel for the Kingdom of Heaven confirmed last week that Jesus Christ will return to Earth after nearly 2000 years, in order to contest the New Zealand General Election in 2020.   Mr Christ, a 2019-year tradie […]

April 9, 2019

Our frenemies at Critic are currently in a spot of legal hot water. Professional baby boomer Michael Laws is considering suing the magazine and the Otago University Students’ Association for defamation after they published something to do with elephants. Not to be outdone, the libellous hacks here at Salient have put together a comprehensive list […]

March 4, 2019

In a watershed moment for first-year student Josh Smith, sources have revealed that he spent NZD$125.99 of actual real-life money on a brand new textbook for a 100-level Politics paper. Mr Smith reportedly walked into the Kelburn branch of VicBooks, assuming the relevant stack of glued-together paper was worth its exorbitant asking price. Witnesses told […]

February 25, 2019

While thousands of new students partake in Victoria University’s O-Week festivities, not all are having the same set of magical experiences as literally everyone else. Josh Smith, 18, of Palmerston North, is reported to have only made a few casual acquaintances with people across the hall.   Meanwhile, the rest of his floor have already […]

October 15, 2018

Hundreds of black and yellow bikes can be seen on the streets of Wellington as the city starts a six month trial of a bike share scheme. The trail includes 200 single-speed bikes, which is operated by Auckland bike-sharing company Onzo. The bikes cost 25 cents to operate for 15 minutes and are activated through […]

October 1, 2018

In between changing the name and logo of his beloved pet project University, the Vice-Chancellor is poised to axe another VUW institution: the ostentatious slogan “Know Your Mind”. In a forum announced five minutes before it began last Tuesday, Vice-Chancellor Grant Guildford announced the plan, which would go ahead “whether or not you bloody well […]

September 17, 2018

In yet another inspired effort to cut costs, Victoria University of Wellington will no longer offer formal qualifications to its graduates. The change will be implemented immediately. It was reportedly inspired by the Faculty of Law’s urgent efforts to reassure its disproportionately under-graded student body by releasing a statement that it is “exceptionally proud” of […]

August 13, 2018

When the library lifts first broke: • John Key was PM • Jacinda Ardern was just a popular backbencher with great teeth • Barack Obama was President of the United States • Brexit was new, but going nowhere fast • The ACT Party was floundering in the polls • The University promised to have the […]

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